Talking to Yourself - how to quieten the inner critic

The theme running through my classes this week was speaking - how we speak to others and also how we speak to ourselves. It seemed to naturally flow from last week's topic of listening.

Speaking doesn't immediately come to mind when we think of yoga. Our practice tends to be a time when we step back away from communication with others and turn our attention inwards towards the Self. However, even in our quiet time the inner voice can often be loud and harsh. We tell ourselves all sorts of stories about how we're not good at backbends for example, that we couldn't possibly do that pose, and how, if we can't straighten our legs in forward bends, we must be lacking in some way. The mind is very good at this self-judgment and, with its constant stream of commentary, it's easy to believe the stories which can make us unhappy, unsure of our value and our sense of self-worth.

So, how to stop this voice... or at least persuade it to be quiet for a while so we can have a truer picture of reality? Well it's that word "noticing" again. It crops up all the time in yoga and meditation! Once we notice the voice we become present again. Notice the voice, recognise the story for what it is - a story - and make a conscious decision to choose another more positive thought. It's a simple recipe but it is difficult - we have to keep doing it because the thoughts are constantly coming. But it does get easier with practice - just 5 minutes meditation a day will start to train you to notice when your mind is busy and the cumulative effects of meditation will make a difference to being able to quieten your thoughts. Your mindfulness practice helps too. Noticing what is all around you - the smell of your tea, the air on your face, the colours and patterns of the skin of the apple you are eating - this is all helping you to pause, release any self-judgment and reset your mindset to a more neutral one before continuing what you were doing.

Here's a poem which sums it all up:

Thanking a Monkey by Kaveri Patel

There’s a monkey in my mind
swinging on a trapeze,
reaching back to the past
or leaning into the future,
never standing still.

Sometimes I want to kill
that monkey, shoot it square
between the eyes so I won’t
have to think anymore
or feel the pain of worry.

But today I thanked her
and she jumped down
straight into my lap,
trapeze still swinging
as we sat still.

When speaking to others, the Buddhist teaching of the Four Gates of Speech (which is a traditional Sufi teaching too) can be very helpful.

Here's a short article from Ethan Nichtern from The Interdependence Project, a Buddhist organisation in the US, which offers some helpful thoughts about communication using this teaching as a filter.

Speaking the Truth: The Four Gates of Skillful Speech

There are many lists in Buddhism. Some of them are incredibly helpful; some of them are a little bit more difficult to discern in terms of applying them during a difficult moment or in the heat of a life situation. I find that my life is increasingly about communication -- listening and speaking. When I'm trying to figure out if it is necessary to express something to someone, the following simple framework is one of the most helpful lists I've ever discovered. It's called the four gates of skillful speech. Systematically taking a moment to actually ask myself these four questions before I say what I have to say has been incredibly helpful.


Do it the next time you're thinking of sending that text message.

1. Is what I have to say true? This is the basic question, of course. Are we actually saying something that is accurate? Also, are we taking responsibility for our own subjective experience, rather than reporting what we've experienced as absolute truth? But this question is only the beginning. 

2. Is what I have to say necessary? Are you the right person to share what you have to say? Would it be better coming from another person? Is it necessary that it be expressed at all?

3. Is what I am saying kind? Twisting the knife may feel good for a moment, but only because it is what we are used to doing. When we stop trying to hurt the other person with the truth, our expression becomes much more effective, and we also realize we don't have to bludgeon someone to get them to see where we are coming from.

4. Is it the right time? Timing is everything. So is the medium and method. If you go off on someone via email, you're probably going to experience the reverberations of your bad timing. Give it space, then pick up the phone or see them in person.

This week's recipe is for a Honey and Oatmeal face mask, although it looks and smells like you could eat it - it's just raw Flapjack really!

It took a minute to put together and then I made a cup of tea and took it and a magazine upstairs and had 15 minutes to myself for a bit of pampering.

Honey is nourishing and soothing and is known for it's hydrating and anti-bacterial properties - it's a humectant which means it draws moisture into the skin. (* raw honey hasn't been heat-treated or pasteurized and it contains more active phytonutrient antioxidants and enzymes.) Oats are moisturising as they contain healthy lubricating fats, proteins which maintain the skin's natural barrier function and lots of natural cleansers called saponins that remove dirt and oil from the pores.

You will need:

1 tablespoon of oats
1 tablespoon of organic honey (use raw honey if possible*)

• Grind the oats in a spice grinder or blender until they become coarse and flour-like.
• In a small bowl mix together the ground oats and the honey.
• Cleanse your skin.
• Apply the mask to your skin and massage in gently for a bit of exfoliation. Do this over the sink as some of the oats will drop off.
• Leave on the skin for about 10 minutes and wash off with luke-warm water. Splash face with cold water as a toner.

Note : Although there's nothing astringent or irritating in this face mask, if you have sensitive skin it's always worth doing a patch test first before putting it all over your face just in case!

My quote in class this week was "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all". It's advice that I have given to my children on many occasions but it's also helpful when dealing with that inner voice inside your own head too - advice to 'keep it neutral'.  I can't say this quote in my mind without doing it in the voice of Thumper - here's a reminder if it's been a while since you've seen Bambi. 

This week on my class playlist I played "Longing for the Unknown" by Karunesh. I play a lot of tracks by this prolific artist - they have good rhythms and not many vocals and I can always find one that seems to fit the class perfectly. Enjoy!

And finally, here's Julian Treasure again in this video entitled "How to Speak So People Want to Listen".

  

Until next week dear yogis.....